Well, here’s a product that combines two core Chabad themes: absolut-chabad-cult

Messianism and alcoholism.

Chances are good it will make the perfect gift for your local shliach (Chabad emissary/rabbi/missionary/preacher/Rebbe worshiper) even if he already has one.

You can get yours at Cafe Press. (Rebbe vodka not included.)

chabad-shot-glass

And it’s not just limited to essential drinking gear.  There’s an entire line of Moshiach products:  T-shirts, Men, Women, Juniors, Kids, Baby Accessories, Bags, Home, Drinkware, Hobbies, Stationery

I found this women’s T-shirt especially interesting.

chabadmashiacgirl_tshirt

It inspired all kinds of Messianish thoughts; like The World to Come, and a land flowing with milk and honey.  That sort of thing.  But it’s not exactly the kind of merchandising that’s enough to sell me on the RebbeHaMelechHaMoshiach!

However, I have a suggestion that can really sell the Chabad product:

Introducing… the Moshiach Thong Panties!

Chabad rabbis, imagine you’ve had a hard day in the streets looking for young men willing to let you wrap leather straps on them.  One of them reminded you of that kid you played the ‘tie up game’ with in a Oheli Torah classroom so many years ago.  The feeling of nostalgia brings a smile to your face and so you decide to settle in with your nightly bottle of vodka.  The Rebbe stares at you from the fireplace mantle of your donor purchased home, intently, but fondly.  Your mind is now filled with appreciation for the beauty of Chasidus as you work your way to the truth, still several milliliters away.  But the holiness of your evening doesn’t have to end there!

The Moshiach may be coming, but the Moshiach Thong is here now!

Now you and that special someone (perhaps even your wife) can fulfill the mitzvah of always anticipating the coming of Moshiach when getting together to create your next little Mendel or Mushka. Each thong is manufactured by hard-working goyim who receive generous Chabad pay rates in the exotic Far East land of China.   Using only the finest man-made materials and quality iron-ons; each thong features a Messiah arrival warning with Crown of Moshiach logo on the front, and “yechii” declaration on the backside.

Just read these glowing endorsements:

  • Rebetzin Leah writes:  “The first time I wore them I didn’t know if Yossi had a lulav in his pants or if he was just happy to see the Messiah.”
  • Chanie writes:  “It really got Zalman’s attention.  Now he spends more time at home and less time across town with Tanya.”
  • Mendy writes:  “Now I don’t feel so bad about cross-dressing.”
  • Anonymous: “If Chaya Moussia Schneerson had a pair of these, we would have an 8th Rebbe now.”
  • Yitzy:  “The Moshiach Thong makes every night feel like mikveh night.”
  • Little Moshie writes: “The rabbi gave my sister a pair because she’s special.  Sometimes they go somewhere just to wait for Moshiach.”
  • Shaina writes: “Thanks to the Moshiach Thong we no longer suffer the embarrassment of having only nine children.”

Available in Chabad Messianist Yellow.

moshiach-thong-yellow

or standard Chasidic Black.moshiach-thong-black

Shluchim:  Pass these out in front of supermarkets and you’ll have every stupid outreach target screaming “I want some Moshiach now”!

 

 

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